🍉🍌Lucy's our 🍓TWO-tti🍍 frutti 🍒cutie! 🍊

     

     She's TWO!!! And of course her new favorite word is no....now if she really means no, well that's questionable! 
She's a "do it myself, just a little bit, almost done, one more time" negotiator. She's quickly figuring out that the two positive choices I give her are usually not the one she's trying to talk me into. Smart girl. Haha! She's a flippy, skippy, hopping little thing, who will show off her push ups and challenge you to a race! Her fake smile is the worst but her genuine giggle is the absolute best. 
      A few of my favorite things...applecados for avocados, she asked if I got off the school bus when I came to pick her up after school, her love for the "scary stuff" at Target in the Halloween section, her imaginary bunny named Brax that is "red and cute" and she will pick him up just about anywhere. Basically everything she says is the cutest thing ever.... :) 

     Her birthday was a blast! Thanks to everyone who was able to make it. She was so amazed that everyone came to "her" house to play! She also ate off of nearly everyones plate of fruit, so thanks for sharing with her. She had the best time and often asks if we can do it again. Between the bubbles, cupcakes and birthday candles, she couldn't have been happier! I love the family and friends that make her a priority and just love her to death!! She loves you all right back!<3
 Here's the proof that she caaaaan be so sweet!

Lucy was showing her baby how to clean up the blocks! "You was helpful!"    

Here we go, getting into the busy season of celebrating everything and getting ready for the holidays! Our life is never boring and our hearts are always full! Let me know if you ever want to join in on our adventures!! <3

Just this week, Lucy joined in at fitness camp with Pound class, then to the library for bedtime stories! Saturday we went to the butterfly release event called FlutterFest at the Zoo, then a U of L ice hockey game. Sunday, we went to Family Adventure Day at Churchill Downs and Lucy got to ride a pony! 

     

"Twenty Three Months"

     

     I use to think people were being silly when they would say their kid was 23 months instead of just rounding up and saying two. Like, why would mere months matter? Why not just say one instead of 18 months. 
GUYS! I get it!!! I soon get it.  So 18 months is different than one and 23 months is different than two. So many milestones, so many new discoveries. When Lucy is two, she won't be a baby (not that she's been a baby since she was 13 months, but stillllllll).  She is so ready and I am too....along as she still says things like, "I'm a don't, Sucy Tafrin B-watcher, mingos and silly doose." She often tells us she works at PSS (UPS) and works on her "puter" to do her job.  <3 The problem is, she is now saying things like, "Hold me" instead of "hold jou" and it breaks our hearts just a smidge.
    She is unstoppable. I know she's a little wild... she will tackle other toddlers with hugs without hesitation. She's also the friendliest little thing you've ever met. She is willing to talk to strangers unless they are mascot characters at the ball game (she waves but that's it). Mondays are gross to her but she loves Fridays. She loves all the top toddler songs but Happy Birthday is still #1 on her list. We still haven't found a food she won't eat. Going back to school was/is tough but the way she asks if she can "Puhwease go to Du-rans house" every morning makes my day easier. 
She will ask 100 "member?" questions a day! Member beach? Member ocean? Member the pirates? Member Brody? Member (any name of anyone she's EVER met)??


 Next month is BIRTHDAY MONTH! So it's sure to be exciting!! Then on to Halloween and fall celebrations, and all the winter and Christmas excitement with a toddler that kind of, almost knows what it going on! :) 
Check out the "Conversations with Lucy" videos. They are sure to make you smile. :) 

What did you do today? (Lucy 23 months)

There ya go momma! 

Why are you so tired today?

As for me, I'm good. We're about to get into the busiest of exciting seasons and we are always on the go! I am back at Fitcamp twice a week and doing diets cleverly disguised as "challenges."  I am taking care of me, but also punishing my body for failing me (yes, I know- I should be forgiving and love my body and all that nice, happy stuff but c'mon, they are my feelings). We are making no plans. Unfortunately, no plans means putting off signing up for National Board Certification too. I had this wonderful plan of being pregnant, doing my National Board certification while taking a year off of my PTO, Student Council, Yearbook, Basketball Coach, Math Teacher Leader, etc.... volunteer activities. We planned on spending money on National Boards because I would already be pregnant...... so now, I can't spend that money if I think that maybe, maybe that money would be needed for IVF. That is IF we do it again, because I honestly don't know and we are not ready to make that decision, much less make a plan to go with that decision. 

It doesn't help when you get the reoccurring embryo storage bill as you are still grieving the failure of a transfer.... more money and more decisions. All the reminders are there, the pharmacy calling to tell me my prescriptions are ready because we had them on autofill, the doctor calling to see if we were ready to try again and the news stories of babies not being taken care of. It will get better and the heartbreak will lessen. Until then, I will cry when I need to and I will work out with a goal of feeling it in the morning. 

Lucy is about to turn TWO and THAT is a celebration we are eternally grateful for! Let's party! :) 

So wish us well, and enjoy our Lucy with us! We are living life! <3 

 

It's hard to give up.

     Tuesday morning in Myrtle Beach and I was up and ready to go have my blood taken to be tested. I followed all the directions, I did not test at home, I was ready to hear the good news. The lab tech that  took my blood was not very "gentle" and I remember thinking, "I am not scared of needles, I can give myself injections! But OW! That really hurt." I didn't even think about the ugly bruise that would form reminding me for another week of that blood test....
     The blood was sent from Myrtle Beach to Florence, South Carolina and the lab tech assured me that she would call the lab there and make sure my results were labeled STAT. She knew they would have results by 3:30. So I let my watch get to 4:30 before I called my doctors office. I should've realized what was going on when I called three times with no answer and no recording to leave a voicemail. About 3 minutes later and my doctor was calling me back. I still had all the hope in the world and just knew I was about to hear great news. She asked if I had tested yet and of course, I replied no! I mean, part of the directions are not to test yourself- if my doc knows anything about me, she should know I FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. 
     Then my world crumbled and immediately I promised myself I would listen to every detail and memorize every word. And now I realize- I don't want to remember every word. I don't want to remember that feeling. I don't want to keep feeling that over and over. I don't want to keep hearing, "This is not the news we hoped for" and "your HCG was below 5, so you are not pregnant." I wanted to leave the heartbreak in South Carolina. I tried to leave the sadness and I tried to keep the tears from following me home. 
     You are told before and during the transfer process that the success rate is 50%. I knew there was a chance this wouldn't work- but to me, it was silly to think it wouldn't work when we were so careful and deliberate. I had a plan that I was prepared to follow if we got bad news. Guess what, I didn't follow it. I guess I never thought I would need it. I did go get a pedicure while Lucy took a nap the next day- so I was seeking some self care. 
     The explanation was nothing. I did nothing wrong. My estrogen levels were great, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do. (DUH) My doctor suggested the embryo was flawed and my body knew was it was doing when it didn't allow implantation to occur. Even though it was an embryo-I felt that momma bear reaction of "Not my embryo, there's no way there was anything wrong with my embryo." The embryologist was so confident with our embryo. So in my mind-my stupid body cannot even create a baby after we controlled as many aspects as possible. 
   The good news is...we had an amazing trip. Lucy's discoveries were off the charts! She talked about every moment and every experience. She asked to go to the beach to build sandcastles EVERY moment we weren't there. :) She had an amazing time. She didn't have to worry about a mopey mommy- I didn't feel like crying when I was watching her little mind go a million miles a minute. 

     It's the moments in between. It's when I get to thinking too much while I'm driving. It's the moments I'm trying to fall asleep before the sleep aid kicks in. The stupid moments when I think of what could have been and what should have been and how stupid my ignorant body is and how much I hate it. It's devastating and absolutely painful and it's agonizing to think of those that are suffering from worse heartbreaks because this is MY worst. 
Somehow, maybe because we aligned all the variables and planned all the details, this is the worst. It's $6,000 gone. It's one less embryo from our frozen bundle. It's the plan that will never be.
   And now, I don't have a plan, I don't have a back up. As soon as I got home, I hid all my medication and supplies away in the top shelf of a closet. I want it all to disappear. I can't think about next steps because I'm afraid I don't have any. That was it. We used over a year to plan, save, commit, schedule, prepare and pay for that cycle. That failed cycle. The failure. And that just kills me. 
     I cannot imagine the mommas that go through that failure before they have a Lucy. Thank goodness for Matt's 'keep going' attitude and the unwavering support. Thank goodness for a Lucy- just when I thought I couldn't possibly love her anymore and now a whole new kind of love gets thrown on her. Thank goodness for friends and family who send love and check on me. All the support- irreplaceable. All of the love for this little family from my big family is just beyond words. So thank you, and I love you guys. <3

This, this is truer than true.
A Letter to my Embryos that didn't implant